Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Random thoughts

Last night as I drifted off to sleep I thought about Granny. For anyone who doesn't know, Granny is Rick's Grandma. She became my Grandma too shortly after Rick and I started dating. We moved in with her shortly after her husband passed away. Granny was a cancer survivor. Breast cancer in the early-mid '90's, colon cancer in 2000 then breast cancer again in 2007. This time the cancer went to her bones. She fought hard for a few years and worked part time until August 2009 when she fell and shattered her elbow. From then on I did my best to take care of her. She did great for a few months but around Christmas she got sick. She was put in the hospital and released then put back in a few times. She knew her time was coming and she was totally at peace with that fact. I can only hope to face death the same way she did. The beginning of August we began to realized how little time we had left. Somehow she broke her clavicle. I think she said she had reached for the TV remot or something. I was up with her all night. Rick and I took her to the doc and we were told the cancer was pretty bad and there was nothing to be done for the break. They couldn't set it or do surgery because her bones were so weak. A week or so later she got up to go to the bathroom and her leg snapped. I called 911 because we couldn't transport her to the hospital. As she was being taken out of the house the kids said goodbye and told her that they loved her. That was the last time they saw her. She passed away on August 21, 2010, exactly 1 week after she fell. And exactly 51 weeks after she fell and shattered her elbow.

  Last night I laid there thinking, it's been almost 8 months since she passed. I've never been back to the cemetery after her service because she made me promise I wouldn't. She told me that there was no point going to a place where she wouldn't be. The night she died we found something she wrote years ago. Basically, it stated the service she wanted and it specifically said do not go to her grave site. That's stuck with me over the last 8 months. Her headstone has been there for months and I have yet to see it. Granny's birthday is coming up and I have thought about going to see the stone. Not because I think she's there because I know she's not. She's here in the house with us daily. I want to see the headstone.

I woke up this morning got myself and the kids ready. I was still thinking about going to the cemetery. I go about my day and my sister tells me that our Grandma has taken a turn for the worse. She's in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's and reinal failure. This isn't anything new to us. We've been told a few times over the last  2 years she's close to death. Sometime between 4-4:30 my mom calls my sister and tells her she's going down to see Grandma. It was decided that she would be taken off all nutritional supplements and we're going to let her go. She's been in and out of a catatonic state for a while and she has no idea what's going on or who anyone is. She never knew my kids. Half the time over the last 15-16 years she didn't know who I was.

8 months ago I was sitting her crying because I was losing my Granny. And tonight I sit here crying because I'm about to lose my Grandma. Technically, she's gone and I've said my goodbyes. I've said for years I wish it was over because the way she's lived for the last few years is no way for ANYONE to live. And to watch someone suffer through that is heartbreaking. I don't wish it upon anyone.

Praying for a peaceful passing for you Grandma. Tell Grandpa I said hi. I love you and I miss you, I'll see you again someday.  


Natalie said...

Stacey, my prayers go out to you. My Grandma died on Tuesday. Although she was 97, it was a complete surprise. I was not able to attend her funeral yesterday because airfare during the Easter season was $4000. Growing up we'd always visit her at Easter so this weekend will be tough. I'll be thinking you.

Kristie said...

I just read this... Just know that i am thinking of you! <3 It doesnt just go away, I dont think Granny would be sad if you went to see her headstone... Just to make sure it is right. :o) love and hugs my sweet friend! <3